I’m a person who says thank you countless times everyday. I was taught to greet every customer I encounter and also to thank them always. I would call this interactive daily gratitude small-g gratitude and it has come very easily to me over the years. However, I often have trouble expressing big-g Gratitude. The type of gratitude that lives deep inside our souls for the people and world around us. This is the gratitude I often overlook unless I’m being deeply reflective or doing some soul searching. This year has brought more self reflection than any year I can remember, much of it due to the lack of person-to-person contact that we are all accustomed to. This soul searching has made it easier for me to see I would not be who I am without the people in my life.
What brings about my deepest Gratitude? In 2020, that list is different than previous years. This year I am beyond grateful that I have a wife who believes deeply in science. We haven’t had to fight or argue about the realness of the pandemic that has affected us all, and lead to so many household battles throughout the world. From day one we have been on the same page about how we get through this difficult time. I’m also thankful for the numerous family members who recognize this too can pass. Whether it be a graduation, a reunion, or birth of a child, the family members who have understood the importance of protecting each other through distance. There will be a day in our future, hopefully soon, where we will all be able to be together again and celebrate the events that were shadowed this year. I’m thankful for friendships that outlast distance or time and look forward to being with them when we all feel it is safe to do so. As much as I desire to be around all of them, I can be grateful for the ability to quickly connect to them through phone calls, texts, or video calls. 2020 would have been much easier if I was able to see them in person, and a hug from Phil (who gives the most sincere and warmest hugs of any person I’ve known) would have eased much of the stress of this year. I am grateful that last year I made the change to be home daily and drive locally. Not only would truck stop life have probably mentally killed me this year, being with my wife everyday for the first time in a decade has been a blessing. With the news of the year being what it was and my obsessive nature, her ability to change the channel when necessary or give me that wink that draws me out of continual research and back to the present was sanity saving.
The loneliness of 2020 hasn’t affected me as greatly as many people have felt. Much of my daily life over the past 13 years has been solitary, driving a truck keeps me distanced from people for most hours. I do have consistent contact throughout a normal day: customers, dispatch, fuel desk clerks, friends and family on the phone, and a continual love journey with my wife through phone contact. That is the biggest struggle in this profession, to maintain intimacy and closeness through a phone call or text. Maintaining it is one thing, but building on a bond is even more difficult just due to the lack of physical contact for a day or a week at a time. Telling someone you love them and having them feel it the way you do is challenging without the ability to hold their hand, give them a hug, or look deeply into their eyes. Communication has been the key to our continued love story, and yet I don’t know if I effectively show the gratitude for her that I have.
Wondering this about the partner I share everything with makes me question constantly if I express my deepest gratitude effectively at all. Do any of us? I can say thank you easily to someone on a forklift who makes a delivery quick. But, do the people in my life know how truly grateful I am to have them in my life?
Thanksgiving always brings about this reflection for me. For most of my childhood it was the greatest holiday. It was a time to gather for the company not a gift. The great feast was when we always got together as an entire family, the laughter and love naturally flowed. After my mother passed away the flow to the holiday has struggled in comparison ever since. There would be years where we would do our damnedest to have the same gathering, but it would never feel complete. My older sister was always the gatherer who was the most comparable to mom. She could bring us all together in the same way and make the holiday as close to normal as we would ever get. Everyone of my siblings and myself all felt that big-g Gratitude for our sister, I just hope she knew it was there. As life happened and we all grew up and further apart it also became more challenging to fit schedules together and have the gatherings we once did. Through partnerships and family dispersal we would all move on to doing our own Thanksgiving traditions, the grand feast would never be the same.
The gatherings may be different now, but I am still just as grateful for the ones today as those of the past. Whether it was four meals in 2 days in previous years, or the small turkey my wife and I will share this year, it will always be about letting love flow.
Saying thanks comes easy for me. My continual project will be showing the Gratitude that lives deep in my soul.
Changed So Much! 